Let’s start with the question, What is an aura? Now, don’t get all antsy. I know you got grass to cut or your uncle to pick up at a bar or somethin’, but let’s just chat. We’re just chattin’, OK? Now, can I see your aura? No. Can I see my own? No. So what the heck am I talkin’ about? It’s more a feelin’.
You ever heard of Leonard Cohen? Check him out. The first time I listened to him, I was in my room, drinkin’ my mom’s liquor, talkin’ to my reflection, like I told ya about. And I started cryin’. Not because I thought it was beautiful or lyrics mind-blowing, that came later.
I mean that it was like he was in the room and Maryanne was in the room.
And a thousand bees from some hive in southern Spain was in the room.
And my body was theirs and his voice.
That’s what I mean about auras. They just happened.
Right, so I was a kid and maybe I made it all up. Scientists always like to talk about kids and their imaginations and that’s why they blab on about things like that. But I call it faith. Before a bunch of shit happens and the kids stop thinkin’ they are anything special. Then it fades. And the auras fade.
Just the other day, someone was tellin’ me that if I believed I could have Christ consciousness, I could. Like, if I meditated long enough to expand my ideas, not even my ideas, but some vibration way out in space, then it would come back and I’d not be me, I’d be more like God. I think that’s possible.
I know what you’re thinkin’, tapping your fingers like that. Part of you is afraid cause you think you can’t be flyin’ high out there in space, too. But you could if you wanted. I mean, take drugs for instance. I never tried any serious kinds, but I suppose that’s what it can get ya, altered states.
Can I tell you somethin’ I never told anyone? Once, in high school, I was over at a friend’s apartment. Scary. I just knew it was. And anyway, they started passing out pills. And I almost took one. I won’t lie. I don’t know why I didn’t. But if you look back in your life and see forks in the road, that was a fork if there ever was one.
Anyway, so I just sat there and said I had to go home soon. Mom was cooking steak. Funny, the things you remember. Then a friend of mine came in, kinda droolin’. People were laughin’ at him, sayin’ Boy you look like an idiot. Sit the fuck down! And boy did he ever. I mean, BAM, smacked his head right there on the coffee table. On his way down he grabbed hold of a Confederate Flag someone had hangin’ on the wall. I won’t ever forget it. Confederate Flag draped over his chest while his knees started kickin’. People were still laughin’, except for me and this one girl. That boy was now pissin’ himself. I mean, right there, just pissin’ himself. The other girl started sreamin’ and cryin’ and I got up, real slow, and walked toward the door. I just walked out. I don’t know why. And people started yellin’ about callin’ an ambulence, and man, I just walked out. I wasn’t messed up or anything. I was just real calm. Like I WAS on drugs, but I wasn’t. I took out my phone and called the police. Gave ‘em the apartment number and drove home. Ate my steak and went to my room and shut the door. I got on my knees and threw up. Right there in the middle of my room. Somethin’ inside me was broken. I can’t explain it. Something moved through me and out the other side.
Now, why am I tellin’ this? I got somethin’ else to tell you. Cause I can guess what you’re thinkin’ about all this Christ consciousness and auras and things. Power of suggestion. The mind creating what you want it to create. I hear ya.
Once, I got in with a group of people who thought they could cast out demons. It was another night my Mom was making steaks for dinner and I was gonna be late. She had no idea I was out at a meeting where a bunch of elders from a church were askin’ me to speak in tongues. Let me explain. They thought I had demons in me. Now, I don’t know why they thought this about a sixteen year old girl. They shouda been there when that boy fell on the ground in convulsions from drugs. That woulda given ‘em somethin’ to shout over.
But there I was. Unaware that the group of men in someone’s living room would put their hands on me and claim to cast out demons. They started prayin’ real loud. Spittin’ in my face. Said if I prayed real hard, the demons would come out. All a’ sudden they started gibberish talkin’ and I was cryin’ and they put a bucket in front of me. Said I’d throw up and that would be the casting out of whatever was inside. I did. I started throwin’ up. I don’t know if it was only to stop them touchin’ me or what. Power of suggestion or what. But I did. And again, I did. Now, they say the mind blocks out certain things to keep the pain away. That’s all I gotta say about that. Other than I came home and my mom was real mad I was late for dinner.
What I’m tryin’ to say is, something is lost. In all of us. When I was a kid I’d write to God, I’d say, God, I feel alone. God, why don’t you write back to me? And I was small and I heard Christ died on a tree so that’s why I started talkin’ to trees. Maybe somethin’ would talk back. Before everything else got in the way and people took a small part of what was clearly beautiful and try to steal it. Christ didn’t die, I thought. I’d sing to the trees and I’d hear my body say, ALIVE, ALIVE! Auras and all. Aruas and all. Before the beautiful was stolen. That’s what I mean. Stolen.