Daily Archives: July 15, 2009

Journals from Year 11&12

Journal from when I was 11&12 years old

Why am I having moodswings where I get so depressed? I know deep down inside that I am full of pain and sorrow but I don’t know how to get those feelings out because I don’t know why I feel this way. I have a problem about not getting my feelings out in time before I forget about it! ☺ I need some help but I’m so depressed that I cry and make a fool out of myself in front of my friends in my small group. I’ve got problems that I need to find out about and talk to people about it who know how to deal with them. My problems are codependency which I really need to try and not do. I am a child of an alcoholic but it’s not like I want to be these tings, no way. I just want to be a normal kid! That’s all!

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Both of my parents are dating. My dad’s is the worst. I wish I didn’t have to deal with these things! You know how I said I wish I was a regular kid? Well, see, I…or when I go to my dad’s house, I’m more like a mom I guess because he does’t really know how to be the dad since my mom did all that kid stuff when they were married. So when I’m cleaning up dinner or giving the twins a bath, my dad is flirting with Kelly. Whenever we go over or every Wednesday and every other weekend, we’re never together. Kelly is always thereso think about how much they are together every day! Huh! Well, my mom’s boyfriend doesn’t bother me. He’s not always over at my house. He is really nice. He likes horses and just plain sweet!
That is all ☺ bye!
Yours,
Shannon

P.S. Every one is curious about this notebook. Should I tell them? Do I trust them?

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Why do I feel so guilty these past days? Why do I just feel like a doofis and just like a speck in the sky? I don’t know but I want to know! But how to do I get the info to know? Well, talking, but how can I explain to someone how I fell? It’s hard, but I think I have an idea! I’ll just show someone my notes (a grownup like Kerry, mom, or Mrs. Brown) and that is how I will tell them!
Thanks! ☺

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Why am I so kind to others but in return they are unfair to me? I’m really sick of it! Especially at my dad’s house! I talked to my mom about it and she said don’t worry about it. I’m so confused, frustrated, and mad. Because of all of the strange things that are happening in my life, like I just want to please everyone and everything will be ok, but that’s codependency! So what should I do?

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Write a list of good and back things about divorce:

Good:
*I can see Will more
*I ride my horse, Pumpkin

Bad:
*I feel bad.

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Why. Why. Why. Why….
I’m so mad! My dad has these really moody mood swings. First he’s happy…then BOOM he’s an asshole! A big fat annoying asshole! I wish I could do something but that is codependency! What can I do?

Today I got myself in a big pickle!

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These past few days have not been good! My mom has been upset because of financial stuff. She has also been upset because I do not think she likes herself right now. I have seen my dad kissing Kelly and then I saw my mom kiss John for the first time. It was weird! I was for a while there lonely and not liking myself, but I think I am over that now. So like has been normal, sucky as usual.

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I spent the night at my dad’s. He is a lot better now. At least him and my brother are not in a fight! I also know to take it easy on my dad because he grew up in a real messed up family. His mom and dad expected him to be perfect at everything. I feel sorry for him!! I noticed that he is not good at typing and when I told him I would do it he just yelled and said “I can do it GodDammit!” Life is getting a little bit better! So I’m glad! Excuse me, I’m going to be a kid now!

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I am not a kid it seems like. I wish my life would change! Why just can’t I be a kid? !! I’m so much not a kid. Kids do not like me. I want to cry!

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Mrs. Frederick is getting on my nerves! She just sent Whitney outside. Oh how ridiculous. Mrs. Frederick has favorite students. Mrs. Frederick shows off or let’s just say, is REALLY proud of herself. Ugh.

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Dear God,

Will my life ever be normal? Will I ever be pretty so people can see me? Will I ever have a nice dad again, or will this hatred grow more and more until I never see or speak to him again?! Will I ever be a normal, average kid? Will I ever be happy? Will I ever be proud of my parents? Will I ever be able to hear the word “family” and not want to cry? Oh, God, will I ever be really, I mean, really happy? Will I ever have love?

God says: It is up to you.

When will I ever be well, normal? Why do I always stand up for me, other people, and what is right? It’s a gift, but somehow I don’t like it, then I always get hated on by other people. I don’t like that. Writing feels good to me. It lets me get out my feelings bu there’s one person standing in my way…MRS FREDERICK! But I’m going to clear the way.

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What if I did something wonderful so every body could like me and my dad could like me for who I am.

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This note is the only one Whitney has not read. I am so mad. I shouldn’t take this notebook to school but how can I get to feel good? I guess I just won’t.

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Today is better. No sadness or fights. But still I am waiting for you know what. I’ve been waiting so long, I’m about to lose hope. Maybe it will never come. I’m so scared! A wants us to type a note to Karry about abuse in our lives. I don’t know. I’ll be embrassed. People who we don’t ever know come up to us and ask questions about dad and Kelly. They think they can get all the scoop from us kids. Well, they are no going to get any scoop through me! What worries me the most is, yesterday, someone asked me if they were going to get engaged! Is my dad keeping secrets from us? I already know about the condoms and sloggy, slimy, spit-drooling kissing! I’ve seen them make out on the couch three times. My dad says I should be more like A. Fuck him! Yesterday, Caroline said: “Fuck you Shannon!” I told her not to say that. Hey, she doesn’t get it from me, I only cuss in my writing! She got it from dad!!! If I find out any more scoop, I’ll tell you.

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Dear God,

Let me teach other people how you’d like to love them. I want to be filled with your light. Please, I am your student and I am eager to learn.

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Dear God,

Why can’t I have a normal dad? Why does he have to be my living nightmare? I always seem to cry when I talk about him. He makes me not want to live! On top of that, he treats me like a grown-up. He calls me crazy and in my mom’s trance. Why do I have to live with this? I am a kid, not a grown up! He treats me like, well, mom. I wish he would stay out of my life forever. I hate him. He is going insane. I can’t live with this. I want my old dad back. I want to hear him say “Shanny-Poo-Pie and spend time with me and say good things about me. I know these are silly things I want like a four-year-old would want from her dad. But these are the only good things I remember about him. But those things will never come back. But, I’m sad I’ll never have a normal dad or the dad I used to have. All I have to ask you, God is Why?
I’m so mad! Why doesn’t anybody believe the stuff I say? Now every girl in class knows I started crying in lunch. I told Mrs. Frederick. They are sitting there talking about me like I don’t know what they are saying!!!

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Dear God,

Please listen! Will my life ever be the same? I would really like to know. Oh how can I deal with all this pressure? How can I saw how I feel if I don’t even know? Life is hard. Life is crazy. I wish I could get away from this world. I feel alone. I feel like nobody likes me. Who can I turn to? Maybe you. No offence, but you can’t do things like my friends could do with me, like play.

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As you know, my dad’s phone call. Well I was kind of depressed about it so I called Aunt Tia. She told me to call dad, and I did so he hasn’t called me back. I hope he feels so guilty he finally gives in and gets and appointment with Karry! I’m waiting, but while I am I still know he’s, deep down inside, guilty and knows he’s wrong. Hey, he has to live with the guilt, I don’t and I feel a lot better. And just tryst God to sort this out while I be a kid!

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Today I am alone. No one wants to be with me! I feel all alone. My dad still haven’t called me and by tomorrow I’m going to call Aunt Tia to call him. If that doesn’t get him to change his mine about going to therapy, I don’t know what will. Every day he seems to drift further away form me. He’s going to take Mrs. Smith to Mexico. He’s drifting farther away from his kids. Soon, he’ll forget about us and move on. My mom wants to move somewhere close to Austin, TX. She said maybe end of the school year. No one knows how I feel and how it feels to have a dad like mine!

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I feel bad. Today, Mrs. Holland called my mom and said she was worried about me because I write in my journal and cry. First of all, I only cried once, second of all, mom said she’s a big snoop! It’s non of her business what I write! Mrs. Frederick wants to know about stuff! Oh gosh! My mom is thinking of moving to Florida, get away from dad. Dad still abusing me.

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No one believes me anymore. No one trusts me.

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Everything is fine.
Well, I should say, no!
I don’t feel like God is in or, helping me in my hard times.
I wish I could run, run, run, but I don’t know. It won’t help me!
I am not proud of my life even though I know the best will come out of it. Gotta go! Can’t say bye to my memories that’s part of my problems. How can I? I hope the best will come out of this. Wish I could start over…but my memories would still be there. It’ll take a couple of years to get used to this.

←–I still feel how I felt from the other page except for God not helping me. I feel better about that. I’m so glad group is back together. I think Mrs. Frederick doesn’t like me. Oh well. She is really getting on my nerves. Maybe some of it is my fault. But she punishes us for things that we didn’t do.

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Well group therapy is good but I do not think I’m getting good use of it. I think I’m going to go back to Joan. She is better and I go during school hours. The only thing about going to Joan is I’ll be going every week and my friends will wonder. My life is so, well, confusing to me and to any body else who tries to figure it out. I look and my friends and wonder: are they going through something? And if they are, is it like what I am going through?

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Things aren’t going well with me and my mom. I never see her, or I mean, I see her but I’m not interacting with her like talking to her and just spending time with her.

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I got champion in my horse show last weekend. I’m so proud of my horse! I guess all my problems and troubles are just part of growing up and getting mature. I want to find a friend who’s as mature or whatever in the area of God and alcoholism like me. I think S is perfect! She is probably codependent like me and going through the same thing I am. Well, I’m a pretty OK kid who’s smart and I try hard with my relationship with God, and I trust him to keep me on the right path. I love me! I don’t want to be anyone else! I love all of my gifts! I love my family. Everybody has something amiss in their life…I know that if the divorce wouldn’t have happened, then I wouldn’t be…me, but you can’t get mad at a child for wishing everything to be ok. And one of the things that’s hardest for me to accept is that everything is never going to be ok or just right or perfect.

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I look back at this notebook and read the notes I grew on. Years from now I’ll still have questions and I’ll look back and remember how I felt, and how confused and mad and ANGRY I was.
Today, dad doesn’t see me much. Two years ago, my troubles started, my life turned its course and I started to grow spiritually. I still cry and wish my life was back like it was years ago. But then I ask myself, was I really happy then? And was everything so perfect as I imagined it to be? Well, no. My mom and dad were not happy and obviously, it makes the child unhappy. I don’t think I ever grasped that when I was little, but deep down inside, I wasn’t happy.

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I have a horseshow this weekend! That’s good! Hurah! I love horseshows!

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Mom read my poems and she said by reading them, she could tell I was sad. Well anyway.

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Tootsie and I did great! We got first place! I spent the weekend at dad’s house and him and Kelly went to a party and it made me mad. Why do I have to feel so mad about this situation? I cry. I am just a kid, oh well, so what, who cares? This feeling trapped in my heart along with th emotional feelings crammed in that small, small space! Other than that strange, foreign feeling nagging away at my side, everything’s great: strait A’s and riding beautifully, jumping higher and everything! When I saw why, I know what I’m asking about.

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Kaki and I went to church this weekend. I felt uncomfortable there. Not the church part, just the Sunday School part.

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For once in my life, I really think I truly know how to accept the troubles and outcomes in life, to really, really believe everything is going to be ok because God is the timekeeper and it’s ok to yell, scream and hate God at times. I am ok just how I am. God is my friend, he guides and controls my life. I trust him. I am one with God. Good by dear journal. I have grown up, you have helped me, but now it’s time to go. You have seen my fears and heard my joys. By you, I have learned from my own past and outcomes, time over time, I will look back, when my life gets tough and tell myself: this was me when I was 11 and 12 years old. This is such an honor to have my gift of writing.
Thank you
Shannon E. Hardwick

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