Daily Archives: July 10, 2009

Self Portrait–Fireflies in the Bathroom

I did a self portrait series tonight. I was bored and had no one to photograph. Here’s a samplng:

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Topographically Drunk Hedgehogs and Badgers About in the Space-Hanger

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Lately, the knots have been coming and going with baskets, gathering things like the last word I was going to say, but couldn’t sweep up in time. I was running by the sea, feeling the weight of my thighs hum. I thought about lifting the sage bush to the side, so I stopped, to smell alien things. A woman said “why are you smelling my sage-bush?” I looked at her, slightly afraid I was going to look like a mad badger. I couldn’t say “I’m sorry, m’am, but a friend and I were just discussing the space-hanger feeling, and I am trying to converse with whatever moves me to feeling carbon in the brain, trying to get closer to the undercurrents of what I think about, so your sage-bush called to me. A long time ago, I must have associated pine-trees and other musky pine-like smells with joy and so now, the smell has knots who have baskets of joy on their back, which is why I was so drawn to this plant, here, in your front yard. It smells like God.”
No, I couldn’t say that, so I just said “Sorry, it’s just a lovely smell.”
“I suppose so…” she said, rather nervously tugging on her terrier.

Nothing coming through today. But the conversation had me lifted to thinking of the knots, which is a gladness and relief after days of heaviness and malaise. My stomach even has knots, but not the kind I see floating around…the weighted kind, the kind only in the body, not in the air.

Earlier this week, a friend asked me: What are you looking at?
Nothing, I said.
I was actually staring “off into space” which, I find a funny phrase. Space. Spaced-out. Checked-out. Hooked on the other-than-here.
He persisted, probably worried I was going to cry or fall asleep.
Really, are you ok? What’s going on?
I think I’m about to figure something out, I said.
It was all I could think to say. I was almost-this-close to licking the unreality-cow’s hide.

It’s a mist. And I said that, once, out loud in Fort Worth, Texas, while running in the 104 degrees heat last summer. Probably lack of water. Or maybe my eyes do spin in other-than-here directions.

But, presently, I have tried to only work this out once. Today, my friend and I talked about the drunken badger one becomes when trying map this out. After the discussion, I drew up my own maps / graphs / pictures to depict the “being in the space hanger” feeling. I scanned them so you can see what I don’t even think can be seen.

Me: I am lost on a space hanger

Friend: how did you get there?
does it have a name or designation?

Me: I won’t be granted access to that destination
so I don’t have access to the name
but I am still on the ride
I think it would take me a lot of time to figure it out…
maybe I could, but I don’t think it would make any sense to “us”
so how would I translate it?

Friend: can you describe the sensation?

Me: like being on mood-enhancing drugs or when you were a kid and the after-affect of spinning around the merry go round.
where kids pushed a spinning disk?
yeah like that, but without the horses
but not nauseous
just the blotchy kind of dizzy
where it feels like your brain is carbonated

Friend: yes
I know the feeling

Me: but the air is not “normal” air
there’s an invisible/visible mist.
which you have to concentrate to see

Friend: the kind of experience where you can feel particles hitting you?

Me: that happens sometimes!
but that doesn’t have to do with the mist
you don’t feel the mist, you just see it

Friend: it never quite clears?
unless it disappears entirely, I mean

Me: yeah, splotchy
and a space hanger…it’s not like a ship,
more like a moving docking station
so I wonder why it’s not the actual ship
it would make more sense to be on a ship, right?

Friend: did the ship already leave?
well a space station is still orbiting the earth
Me: they come and go.
but I wonder why you can’t just get on a ship itself

Friend: well it’s either lack of opportunity or lack of motivation
or something else?

Me: no; it’s not allowed

Friend: no access to the docking bays
do you have identification?

Me: I do, I think.

Friend: is there anyone else, or is it all automated?

Me: no other beings
that would be cool if there were other beings
maybe there are, but I’m not open enough to see them.

Friend: what would they be like?
maybe if you imagine them, they will appear.

Me: like us, but sheer
that’s a good point.

Friend: or maybe there’s a spectrum of light they are visible in

Me: maybe that’s what the space hanger is
a different spectrum of light

Friend: can you feel them jostling you?
as in a crowd?

Me: sometimes
but I guess it’s easy to mistake that for the mist

Friend: so you just need a filter to see them
maybe ask them? even though you don’t know if they are there

Me: I think I have
but they may speak in a language we can’t decipher

Friend: I see.

Me: what do you think?

Friend: elaborate gestures might work, certainly couldn’t fail to attract attention
of course you run the risk of insulting them

Me: like shadows of what they really are
or maybe
they are other versions of me
of you, or whoever is on the hanger.

Friend: maybe we can’t contact them because they don’t fully exist anymore
past and future

Me: but isn’t that too much like “ghosts?”

Friend: No
they can’t affect us, not really
no moving of pitchers, fuzzing of the tv set
you got to the space hanger
and they only exist there
like we broke the rules
maybe that’s why we can’t get on the ships.

Me: but if we broke the rules that far, maybe there’s a way to get on the ships.

Friend: well yeah, they obviously haven’t stopped us yet
so maybe these rules need to be broken
just to know they are still there.

Me: seems we work hardest to restrict ourselves to not break the rules more than the “others” do

Friend: yeah, or maybe they are following different rule-set.

Me: we are not advanced as we think we are.

Friend: the truth is, the more you advance, the more rules you have to follow
but they do things that seem like breaking the rules
it’s not that they break them
they just have different rules
they know how to navigate them

Me: I wonder if someone could learn their rules, or maybe others have already in the past and we just think it’s nonsense…of course we would, though, because how else would it be able to be translated in our way of speech?

Friend: I think it’s a process
you can’t rush it
or if you do, you’ll learn them imperfectly

Me: our downfall is our greed.

Friend: exactly
it’s good to advance, but it needs to be in measured steps.

Me: how do we even know we’re taking steps when we don’t know how to measure or whether we’re even moving…
I guess aknowledging and analysing “being in the space hanger” is a good starting point
talking about it, though, is that productive?
or should one just “be” in the space hanger?
maybe others could help one know what to look/feel/think while in the space hanger if and when they talked about it
I’m interested in the “beings” who move (maybe) on different light frequencies.

Friend: well maybe that’s the first challenge
how to discern distances in other spectrums

Me: do we need more advanced science for that, meaning, more time for science to advance, or can we gain that technology internalluy and on our own, through wider perception?

Friend: probably both – the answer is usually both
first we make the technological advance, then we gain the wisdom to understand it

Me: I think the science is already there, but we just don’t have “access” to it yet
it’s not something we need to create, rather, discover

Friend: but sometimes we need to create tools to help us understand it

Me: but not to necessarily implement the seeing
I wish, sometimes, that I could go back to high school
I think I’d do better in my math and science classes
and I’d not hate math so much

Friend: the only thing I was good at was trigonometry

Me: Explain that

Friend ok ,well
you have geometry
which is the math of drawing mostly two dimensional shapes
as well as logic proofs and such
trigonometry is more about drawing or describing more complex shapes, like spheres, pyramids
basically
describing something physical or quasi physical with numbers
for example
a land mass
geometry could tell you it’s borders
but trigonometry would tell you it’s topography
how high each point of land is
pilots used to have to use it (still do)
the triangluation used by gps devices is trigonometry

Me: don’t you find it interesting that triginometry was brought up just now?
I mean in relation to trying to find out the “rules”
how could what you described in your trig explanation, go with finding out other “rules” or either seeing or explaining what goes on in the space hanger?

Friend: I don’t know how to use it – it describes physicality – aren’t we reaching beyond that?

Me: yes,
but it’s still physical, just a different physics
which would need different trigonometry
but maybe there’s still something there

Friend: someplace to start
the size of the Hangar
the shape
the speed at which it moves
we can start there

Me: no, I don’t think we can relate it to things like “speed”
because that’s our understanding, or realm, of speed
not theirs
two planes have no meeting point that we know of

Friend well they must meet somewhere
we’re here
we’re aware of them
we just need to find it

Me: yes, but not necesarily in accordance to speed
it’s there, don’t give up!
we’re getting too abstract, which is a danger

Friend: yes
we’ll get lost

Me: yes!

Friend: ok, let’s start with the space we are in
surely it’s not all one gigantic room

Me: you mean, like the universe we occupy?

Friend:  I mean the hangar
is it a reception area?
waiting room?
a starting point
that’s what is is for us
where can we go from here?

Me: there are the ships
but there must be something else

Carmon: yes
the ships are a taking off point
after we solve the hangar
that much seems clear… for now

Me:, greed makes us want to know the ships before we know the hanger.

Friend: let’s set them aside for now
so is there any way to interact with the hangar itself?

Me: only so much as we can interact with our body

Me: it’s like the ship, if it has controls, they are on the body, but I think there are also ways to interact but it has to be in a mental field only

Friend: so we need to find the right thought
state of mind
then the right thought will come

Me: but what makes the action, inducing thought, different from other thoughts?
does it have a different thought-makeup?

Friend: we may not know till we think of it

Me: we should use concrete metaphors so as to grasp it

Friend: so if our barrier is a door
we first need to unlock it

Me: and unlocking it is finding the ride mindset?
state of mind

Friend: well
yes, first
i think
we’re not completely sure, this being unexplored territorry
so to unlock something
the right mindset might be of aggressive inquiry?
a barrage of possibilities
see what sticks
try every key
?

Me: Oh, I meant the right mindset was the unlocking itself

Friend: it still locked?
we have to try and open it

Me: maybe it’s open

Friend: so we need to have the righ mindset to step through

Me: distraction is what keeps it either still locked or shutting on us

Friend: we need to focus on the goal

Me: maybe the world wide web is what is keeping us from lifting above the “ceiling”
it IS distracting
maybe the WWW is the first discovery of the hanger

Friend: you can see the whole, but only when you step back

Me: yes, and what we see when we are on a computer is like looking at one inch of sand, but if we stepped back, we’d see where the ocean meet the shoreline
and the hanger is the shore and the ocean is what the hanger is a passageway for

Friend and even that is just the beginning

Me: so…let’s go back
the hanger is a metaphor for the feeling I was describing of “being on a space hanger”
so what is the “ocean” then?

Carmon: the ocean is space

me: a different state of “being” “feeling” “existing”?
Carmon: dark, with an unknowable amount of knowledge
being, i would say

Me: i wrote a poem where a line:
“there’s a whole other plane on which to live”
was trying to explain what I think we’re trying to explain
but everything is always encrypted

Friend: thanks for inviting me to the space hanger
it’s a cool place

Me Inviting you makes the space hanger dip into our realm of reality that much more!
so we have to go back again and again to the original space hanger, that’s the starting off point…Oh, my God! THAT’S where the plains meet!

Friend: woah
you got it

me: remember, we were trying to think of where the planes meet?

Friend: yes

Me: that’s where it is
in the original “feeling” “discovery” of the space hanger

Friend: you need to make a map of this
chart our progress

Me: I LOVE MAPS
and topography is ALWAYS reappering in my imagination
and I didn’t ever draw the parallels with trigonometry
but trigonometry found ITSELF in this conversation, remember?
the “others” are helping
the “others” are probably just our smarter beings residing in our subconscious

Friend: well I was going to say
they could also be the natural laws of the universe, and suddenly you see the connection between them
OR the result of lives of toil by mathematicians
who helped us connect things
and the spirit of their work is the others

Me: yes, the lives of all great thinker’s spirits are the “others”
plus the natural, albeit hidden, world

Friend: exactly
the legacy they left us with

Me: so perhaps our unconscious, being hidden and pure in it’s hiding, is able to pick up on their frequencies

Friend: I think we still need to be “thinking” in their “direction”

Me: well, if not the subconscious, then something
what else would the “others” communicate with?
we need to be thinking in their direction, it’s not just going come to us
where were we before my subconscious sidetrack?

Friend: interesting question
I don’t think it was a sidetrack
more a focus of a particular topic we were dancing around the whole time

Me: it was the natural course?

Friend: I think so
at the beginning
“who are the others”
and such

Me: this is like running a marathon
you can’t do it all at the beginning
going back to greed again

Friend: yes in that sense
it’s also like navigating a labyrinth

Me: how so

Friend: well
we were trying to find how things meet
to my mind, that’s like puzzle solving
granted, it’s more abstract than that
and maybe a little bit arbitrary
at least, the metaphors are arbitrary

Me: well, but needed because otherwise there would be no translation

Carmon: right
naturally
that’s what they are for
arbitrary is not always bad
especially not with literature
it’s only bad with specifics
when you get to abstract thought, it’s at least a starting place
till you construct a view, or theory

|Me: Oh! I remember what we were talking about
how to construct this map
map of the meeting points?

Friend: well eventually
it’s a map of everything we can understand
but for now
yes
meeting points

Me: meeting points between the “feeling” state of being, the world as we understand it, and the space hanger
So, mental and physical
and hypothetical
we need a key for mental topography

Friend: agreed
not just what a path from one place to another is
but how it is used
what method of conveyance

Me: how so?

Friend: like with the states of mind
and where your mind needs to be before it can proceed
and if it’s a 1 way path only

Me:  is the space hanger another realm?
like another reality?

Friend: if it’s a map of mental space, it’s a transitional point
so it’s in all realities, and none

Me: permeance

Friend: that’s why it was so hard to get past
you can’t just stand there

Me: so one state
the mental state
and the “other” state, the hanger
Friend: 1 state, the hangar, and many others

Me: the states are like two transcendental hedgehogs which cuddle up and their spikes bump into each other, which creates a “forest” of that realm
the realm which is the ocean, or the passageway to the ocean
see, I need to use physical metaphors
to ground my mind

Me: maybe we are drunk badgers when we are trying to map out the space hanger

Friend: lol maybe drinking would help

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